80. The Serenity Prayer says it all!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

As I was brainstorming my 80 life lessons, I already knew ahead of time that the Serenity Prayer had to be included. It is such a powerful guide for every one of us. All programs that deal with addictions, whether it be smoking, alcohol, drugs, overspending or anger management, subscribe to the message of this prayer. It is a powerful tool to assist anyone who is in need of help with personal problems. 

I have just finished seeing how many of my 80 lessons might fit in some way into the Serenity message. I was amazed at how many were relevant. When I reviewed the lessons that dealt with “accepting the things I cannot change” some of my lessons were:

• people highly value fairness - 4
• you are responsible for your own happiness - 6
• you are not lucky, you are blessed - 25
• you are in charge of your own body and your health - 35
• you can’t make everyone happy - 38
• knowledge is power - 51
• everyone wants to feel valued - 52
• worry is a waste of time - 57
• it doesn’t matter what others think of you - 64
• age is only a number - 69
• you are the master of your fate - 77

When I examined “the things that I can change” I selected as examples:

• courtesy and good manners are important - 7
• try to engage someone in conversation every day - 10
• success depends on self discipline and perseverance - 11
• never stop learning and reading - 14
• be kind, be gentle, be humble - 17
• moderation in every thing should be a goal - 22
• always try your best - 27
• learn to laugh at yourself - 41
• be on time, it shows respect - 44
• a smile can make all the difference - 49
• patience is a virtue - 55
• always keep your promises - 68
• don’t be afraid to try new foods - 76
• always think and plan ahead - 79

The entire prayer is simple to read but not as easy to put into practice. And possibly that hardest part is the third line, having “the wisdom to know the difference” between what we must accept and what we can change. Many of the problems and issues that some of us have struggled with over a lifetime often have been captured in the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer.  

79. Always think and plan ahead.

One of my small exasperations occurs when I am in the checkout line in a store. The person ahead of me places their items on the belt, watches the clerk price them and then declares the cost. The customer is overcome by surprise that they are going to have to pay for their purchases and then has to go searching through their purse or pockets, for their wallet or change purse, to withdraw their payment. Did they not think or realize that they should be prepared to pay for their items or did they think it was 100% Off Tuesday? People who do not think ahead, even for a small matter, leave me baffled!

Thinking and planning ahead just makes so much sense to me. When I receive a bill to pay or a check to cash I always place it where I will remember it and can deal with it when I need to. Tossing it on a desk or in a pile of other materials is not thinking ahead. Letting your gas gauge in your car get so low that you can hear the engine gasping for a drink is not good practise or planning. Where would half of today’s drivers be if the little orange gas pump that lights up on our dash board was not present? Car manufacturer’s were thinking ahead for us, as they knew Mr. Average Driver probably wouldn’t be!

The government has started to quit thinking ahead for us now. They have decided that if you were qualified to drive a car you should be able to remember when you needed to renew your registration and your driver’s license. Thus, they are no longer mailing out reminders to make sure we don’t miss expiry dates. In addition to attempting to make us a little more responsible for simple things, it will also generate considerable income from those people who will be fined for missing the deadlines that they did not plan ahead for.

There are a litany of regular examples of poor planning. Did you renew your favourite magazine subscription before or after your last issue arrived? Did you make a shopping list or just curse the gods when you returned home minus two important items? Do the people who shop madly on Christmas Eve day for gifts not know that December 25 is ALWAYS Christmas Day? A little thinking and planning ahead can make life a whole lot less stressful!

78. You are the master of your fate.

I had to memorize the poem “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley when I was in high school. At the time, it was just another hoop to jump through and so I did as was expected. However, I have always repeated the final two lines in the poem as a kind of personal mantra, “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” I think it has unconsciously helped guide me during my life. 

If I am the master of my fate, then I am the boss, I am in charge and I am the decision maker. I must accept the responsibility of making the right choices and the direction that my life takes. No one else is going to take the credit for my successes or more importantly no one else is going to be blamed for my failures. I alone decide if:

• I begin each day with a smile or a frown
• my attitude to life will be positive or negative
• I treat others as I would choose to be treated
• I put in the effort to achieve my goals or not
• my life is surrounded by many or few friends
• my standards of conduct and behaviour are acceptable
• my life is boring or exciting
• I model the important values I wish others to emulate
• I am humble, sincere, honest and kind
• I maximize the opportunities that life presents me

Some people don’t really understand that they are responsible for their own lives. Of course, many have to face some serious issues during their entire life. If you are faced with a major health issue or troubling family problems, life can often seem unfair and in some cases that is true. It does not prevent a person from taking charge of the aspects of their life that they can control or significantly influence. It is not easy, but “you are the master of your fate.” 

I think my life has been shaped by a loving childhood, the gift of an excellent memory, an appreciation for simple pleasures and a moral compass provide by my Catholic upbringing. I credit these factors and life’s many other blessings along with my simple mantra for a long happy life. “I am the master of my fate.” 

77. Be flexible and have a sense of humour.

If you have ever been a traveller, you know that the best laid plans of mice, men, and travel agents don’t always go as planned. On a recent trip in Viet Nam, we were waiting for a flight from Hoi An to Hanoi when our fellow travellers in the departure lounge started getting up, chattering to each other and leaving the room. The Vietnamese PA announcement, that we didn’t understand, apparently informed the passengers that our flight had just been cancelled. My friends and I looked at each other with blank stares and thought, “ What the heck do we do now?” Believe me, it was only because of our flexibility and sense of humour that we still continue to travel today. (pre-covid)

Travel invariably involves having to deal with the unexpected. I have experienced car trouble, severe weather, missed connections, lost luggage, airplane engine loss, and turbulent flights over the years. They are all very traumatic when they occur and will test our resilience, our problem solving abilities and above all our sense of humour. As Kipling said, more or less, “If you can keep your head when those around you are losing theirs, you don’t really understand the problem!” 

Our entire life is a journey and just as when we undertake leisure travel, we encounter the same kind of unexpected events that we must deal with. My career path began in left field when I enrolled in an Honours Chemistry program and completed it with little enjoyment or interest. I knew chemistry was not going to guide my life’s work so I shifted gears and took a year of teacher training. I became a teacher and loved it. Had I not changed directions when I did, who knows if  you would have ever been able to read this mesmerizing blog!

As those of you who know me can attest, I developed a sense of humour over the years. Sometimes it was appreciated and sometimes not so much. But because life can throw you so many curves over the years a well developed sense of humour certainly helps in dealing with life’s minor problems. Did you hear the one about the coal miner’s kid who gave up a promising career as a country and western lounge singer to become a teacher? Ha ha!

76. Don’t be afraid to try new foods.

The phrase 'You Are What You Eat' means that it is important to eat good food in order to be healthy and fit. When I was growing up we were the victims or beneficiaries of what we could grow in our gardens. We did not buy produce at a grocery store and everyone was self-sufficient by maintaining large gardens. My dad grew potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, radishes, lettuce, cabbage etc and I became, what our family grew. 

Today, that option is not so simple. For example, did you know that there are 4,000 varieties of potatoes, 3,500 varieties of apples and 15,000 varieties of tomatoes? There are dozens of fruits and vegetables that I had never heard of as a chlld: kale, lemon grass, durian, passion fruit, broccolini, kumquats etc. The variety of foods that we can now access is overwhelming and yet many people are reluctant to swerve from the “meat and potatoes” menu. 

Travelling has probably been one of the reasons that I have discovered new wonderful foods that we can now eat. My food explorations have led to all sorts of new favourites. On one trip to Turkey, friends took us to dinner and ordered grilled octopus for all. My mind kept visualizing Captain Nemo fighting the submarine entangled squid “Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea” and did not cause me to salivate in the least. I know order fresh octopus whenever it is on a menu. I have learned that it is so important to try new foods and dishes. There’s a whole world of wonderful new foods.

Spending a fair amount of time in South East Asia has also provided me with numerous opportunities to eat dishes or bowls of “unknown” origin. I had no trouble pointing to the huge pot of red or green stew-like soup and ordering it with some rice. My only misgiving was that I never knew the contents of the dish so I could order it again. 

It might be a surprise, but I have never been sick from street food. In Mexico, I often buy the grilled-on-an-open-fire-chicken sold outside the market. It pushes Colonel Saunders right off the chart. I urge you to try it Mikey, you might like it! Be brave!

75. Develop a questioning mind.

I am sure that a lot of you have been wondering when I would get around to writing about the changing nature of the question and the art of questioning. Others will just continue to take questioning for granted and not be aware of how it has changed over the years. Fortunately, I have been chronicling this phenomenon for years. 

When I was a young child there were no questions. Rather there were no questions allowed or directed at us kids. We were raised in the era of “children should be seen and not heard.” At many social gatherings when the adults gathered in the kitchen, the kids were banished to the bedrooms or chased outside. We were not invited to participate in discussions nor ask questions. What did we know that would contribute to the discussion?

My question-free childhood accompanied me throughout my school years. I never raised my hand to ask a question for one of two reasons. Sadly, I was not really an inquisitive child and I waited for others to ask my question, which always happened. So why would I ask a question?

Fast forward to today. When we have a family dinner my two grandchildren are very knowledgable about many current topics of the day. With the impact of mass media on everyone, school children are educated by a wealth of information on their TVs, computers and smart phones. They are encouraged to ask questions and their opinion is also sought in order to stimulate their abilities to think and respond. A lot of questions often circulate around the dinner table.

We are no longer asking simple questions that require a yes or no response. Today we are often asking questions for clarification, or that probe issues, reasons, evidence, implications, or consequences. Todays questions are far more strategic and also often explore points of view or perspectives. Many of our discussions ultimately raise a question that will challenge the truth of the news and arguments of others. It is important in today’s world to become a questioning individual where the search for truth is becoming more difficult daily! 

74. Try to find a way to say, “Yes”.

I am sure that dozens of astute followers will remind me of life lesson #26 that proclaimed, “Don’t be afraid to say, ‘No’.” And now I am covering all of my bases by suggesting that we find a way to provide a “Yes” response. OK Ken, you can’t have it both ways. Well, I would profess that you can. 

“No” is often a difficult response to a request when you understand that the person may be disappointed or upset with a negative response. Sometimes in life that is necessary and we have to learn that lesson. The “Yes” response is proposed when both responses are acceptable and a “yes” would not really be a big deal but would just provide a more pleasing outcome for the questioner. 

When we ran our conference centre business between 1997 and 2000, we hosted a wide variety of church, business and social groups. Our philosophy was that we would provide exceptional service, not just casual politeness. If a business client requested special audio-visual equipment or a unique meeting room configuration or a special menu, we never hesitated to approve and provide their request. Our success was based entirely upon Darlene’s cooking and our unfailing service. 

A lot of times when I was working, I found that some individuals operated by a strict handbook or set of rules and regulations. They felt comfortable sticking to the rule book and were not really ready to consider other options. As a result of their inflexibility, a lot of hard feelings and unhappiness was often the result. 

I recall a staff member who delivered her twins three months prematurely. The boys were hospitalized for two months and the teacher requested that she return to work immediately and take her maternity leave when the twins actually came home. The “rules” said she had to take her leave immediately so she was at home alone for two months and when she needed the time off she was told “No!” A little flexibility would have made the family much happier and not inconvenienced the organization at all. Try to say, “Yes” more often.